Tuesday, April 7, 2009

"See...what had happened was..."

.....the classic beginning to every sentence that comes out of a defendant's mouth when you ask them if they are pleading guilty or not guilty. You see, they just don't understand that there are only 2 possible answers to the question: "Are you pleading guilty or not guilty?"... They always want to try and explain themselves by saying "See...what had happened was..", which is usually followed by some CRAZY story or excuse on why they shouldn't be convicted of the crime. (I wish there was audio on this thing so I could actually record myself saying that phrase the way it usually comes out of their mouth... the accent I use makes it so much better!)

Which brings me to my second point for the day... CRAZY explanations and excuses.... I have thought about some of the stupidest ones I have heard over the past year and though I should start a running list... so here it goes:

1. While trying to explain to the judge that he should not be guilty of a DUI.... "See what had happened was... I was leaving my brothers birthday party and I just got pulled over. Judge, I ain't never even broken the law in my life....(brief pause)...except for like 4 other times"....those 4 other times just happened to be a reference to his 4 prior DUI's within the past 10 years....
2. "But Judge...what had happened was... I was asleep at my house and just got up and started sleep walking and walked to my car and got in and started driving.... I don't even remember fixing the vodka drink in my cup holder that night, and I don't remember purposefully peeing my pants in the back of the cop car in order to piss the cop off!"
3. While trying to get the judge to dismiss a speeding ticket..."Judge, I have a HORRIBLE bowel condition that makes me crap my pants (yes that was his exact words) all of the time. The condition causes me to have extreme uncontrollable diarrhea and that is what happened the day I was pulled over for speeding. I just had to make it to a bathroom!"....Now i will admit I felt sorry for the guy. I mean seriously, he just admitted in front of a courtroom full of people that he pooped his pants all of the time... I think I agreed to that ticket getting dismissed :) I know, I am a real sweetheart :) .......

So there is a few giggles for today... yall be good... and remember no speeding.. and if you do, just get ready to explain your explosive bowel condition to the judge....

1 comment:

  1. Or dress in camo! See what had happened was oneday I was going to the hunting camp and I was dressed in camo and Barney Fyffe pulled me over. He approaches the car "Sir do you know that you are in a school zone?" to which I remove my sunglasses and look at him and say "SIR?" and he says "oh oh oh....uh...I am sorry ma'am have a good day!" and walks off! Geez!!!!! The nerve. The clues that I am female....#1 breasts, #2 wedding ring, #3 painted fingernails, #4 hoop earrings, #5 lipstick ....yes I hunt in fashion!